Home Field Advantage
When I was in high school I played JV and Varsity volleyball and
softball all four years. I loved being part of a team and competing with
them; some of my greatest friendships were forged with teammates. Game days were always something to look forward to in my week.
But what I didn't love were away games...well besides the fact that it
sometimes got me out of class early! Competing on someone else's home
turf isn't always fun. The setting is unfamiliar, they use different
equipment, the lighting is off, the grass is lumpier, the sun sets at a
different angle so I can't catch pop-flys, the shellac on the gym floor
is too slick so I can't get a good jump, etc. etc. I would spend
my initial time arriving at a new gym or field surveying my battle
ground and scoping everything out. We would then practice and warm-up to get a feel for the arena,
but it was never the same as home. I didn't like being out of my comfort
zone and felt like I couldn't perform at my best. Home field advantage
is the best weapon!
I've been realizing lately that my idol of control is exactly like this. I perform best when I'm familiar with my surroundings. I thrive on my home turf, but take me to the unknown and I can't get a grip or function properly. Too many unknowns. What if I'm not prepared? What if something terrible happens and I don't know what to do or where to go? I have a million irrational thoughts running through my brain at all times of the day (What if I need sunscreen? What if we decide to go out to eat? Will I need a jacket? Should I pack snacks? Will I be back in time to go to the gym? What if it starts raining and I don't have my umbrella? Where are we going to park? Do I have enough quarters to pay for parking? And on and on and on). It's a constant battle to talk myself out of them. I don't like it when I'm not in control of every aspect of the situation. You can probably start to guess how that affects and interrupts my life. It sucks all the joy from situations and doesn't allow me to be truly spontaneous. Gosh, I wish so bad that I can just hop in a friend's car without knowing where we are going and trust them that we'll have a good time regardless of where we show up. Just thinking about that gives me anxiety!
My fellow co-dependents can probably relate. I control out of fear. I'm scared because I don't know how it will play out, I'm scared because it will be uncomfortable, I'm scared because it causes me to rely on someone else and what if they let me down? What is they hurt me? What if they stop loving me? What if... ______.
In order to protect myself I control all possible outcomes (which is impossible as you can probably guess...but I try anyway). Even if they aren't mine to control. I'm reminded of Rebekah, who meddled in God's plan and manipulated the situation with Jacob's birthright (Genesis 27). But I'm also reminded that God's plan and purpose remain true despite my sin and meddling. He is sovereign through and through. Praise God for that! While there are consequences to my sin, God's plan remains unwavering and His goodness steadfast. God foreknew that Rebekah would do this and still chose her to be Isaac's wife! She wasn't chosen because of her kindness toward Abraham's servant, she was chosen because that was God's plan. He also knew she would manipulate her son's birthright and blessing- God's redirection of Isaac's blessing from Esau to Jacob. God's plan is always good. Her story reminds me that we have a gracious God. I often beg God for answers and perspective to see situations like He does, but in goodness and love He gives me only the view I need and asks me to trust Him. How audacious and prideful it is for me to even ask! Because for some reason I think I deserve to know why. The answer will always be "because I love you Heather and am making you more like me". Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Our God is good, but He is not always safe. But He is faithful and trustworthy and I can cling to the truth that He loves me and wants what's best for me...even when I don't know how it will play out.
He loves you, too and wants what's best for you. Believe that with me!
I've been realizing lately that my idol of control is exactly like this. I perform best when I'm familiar with my surroundings. I thrive on my home turf, but take me to the unknown and I can't get a grip or function properly. Too many unknowns. What if I'm not prepared? What if something terrible happens and I don't know what to do or where to go? I have a million irrational thoughts running through my brain at all times of the day (What if I need sunscreen? What if we decide to go out to eat? Will I need a jacket? Should I pack snacks? Will I be back in time to go to the gym? What if it starts raining and I don't have my umbrella? Where are we going to park? Do I have enough quarters to pay for parking? And on and on and on). It's a constant battle to talk myself out of them. I don't like it when I'm not in control of every aspect of the situation. You can probably start to guess how that affects and interrupts my life. It sucks all the joy from situations and doesn't allow me to be truly spontaneous. Gosh, I wish so bad that I can just hop in a friend's car without knowing where we are going and trust them that we'll have a good time regardless of where we show up. Just thinking about that gives me anxiety!
My fellow co-dependents can probably relate. I control out of fear. I'm scared because I don't know how it will play out, I'm scared because it will be uncomfortable, I'm scared because it causes me to rely on someone else and what if they let me down? What is they hurt me? What if they stop loving me? What if... ______.
In order to protect myself I control all possible outcomes (which is impossible as you can probably guess...but I try anyway). Even if they aren't mine to control. I'm reminded of Rebekah, who meddled in God's plan and manipulated the situation with Jacob's birthright (Genesis 27). But I'm also reminded that God's plan and purpose remain true despite my sin and meddling. He is sovereign through and through. Praise God for that! While there are consequences to my sin, God's plan remains unwavering and His goodness steadfast. God foreknew that Rebekah would do this and still chose her to be Isaac's wife! She wasn't chosen because of her kindness toward Abraham's servant, she was chosen because that was God's plan. He also knew she would manipulate her son's birthright and blessing- God's redirection of Isaac's blessing from Esau to Jacob. God's plan is always good. Her story reminds me that we have a gracious God. I often beg God for answers and perspective to see situations like He does, but in goodness and love He gives me only the view I need and asks me to trust Him. How audacious and prideful it is for me to even ask! Because for some reason I think I deserve to know why. The answer will always be "because I love you Heather and am making you more like me". Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Our God is good, but He is not always safe. But He is faithful and trustworthy and I can cling to the truth that He loves me and wants what's best for me...even when I don't know how it will play out.
He loves you, too and wants what's best for you. Believe that with me!
“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion." "Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”
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