Freedom to Fail
I wanted to write an update because I've been MIA for the past few months...some of it intentionally, some of it because I was just so dang busy. So I'm going to rewind to winter time and hopefully catch y'all up.
About a year ago I was introduced to the world of body building. I discovered I had some Christian friends who did it and it peaked my interest. I had come to the point in my own fitness where I had hit all my goals and was looking for a new challenge. I am very goal oriented and need something to work towards to keep me on track. I decided to do as much research as I could: I followed people on social media, read blogs, articles, and talked with people in the industry. I thought, prayed, discussed, debated and after almost a year I decided I wanted to try for a competition. I never thought it was something that could be done well and for the glory of God, but I came to a place of peace about it and made the jump! I knew it would be a challenge and it would cause me to depend on God in a new way and to take a huge risk and be vulnerable. I decided to hire a prep coach and starting in February I began my official training for a summer show.
I opted for Women's Figure, which is a step up of sorts from the traditional Bikini level...judges look for more muscle, especially shoulders and lats. I thought I already had enough muscle when I met with my coach and could start cutting right away, but boy was I wrong! In retrospect I should have stuck with Bikini, but I learned that the hard way. My coach said I needed to put on some muscle and for the first time in my life I purposely put on weight. Bulking was the hardest thing I've done because I had to fight the lie that I was failing in terms of fitness because I was putting on muscle/weight. Every week when my clothes got tighter and tighter, the self-hatred and lies got louder and louder. Soon, I had to pull old clothes from the back of my closet because nothing fit except my spandex workout gear. I kept telling myself it would be over soon and I would lose the weight quickly, that it was just a season. But what I didn't realize was how revealing that process was for me in terms of identity. I knew that a lot of my depression stemmed from the fact that my self-worth was being stripped away as the number on the clothing label went up. I was no longer size 2 and that killed me. I felt like all the work I put in to lose the weight was undone in a matter of weeks- and the worst part was that I was doing it to myself! I was paying a lot of money for my training and meal plan AND spending hours in the gym to do so. It was so confusing! But I kept pushing through as I put on 20 pound even though my body fat percent went down. From the outside I can see how illogical it sounds, but seeing my weight in the 150's again was terrifying and I felt out of control. I hated myself and felt like my body had sabotaged me in a way. The ironic part was that I ran 2 half marathons during this time- one of which I didn't even train for! I was strong and healthy and fit, but I wasn't able to see that because all I saw was the number on the scale.
I eventually put on enough muscle that my coach said I could start cutting and I was thrilled! So we changed up my macros, added more cardio...the perfect combination, right? Well not quite, because I wasn't able to lose weight. It should have started coming off 1-2 pounds a week, but I wasn't seeing that and I felt like a failure once again. How can I not lose weight quickly? I did it before, I should be able to do it again! I'm a weight loss queen for crying out loud! But again, God was revealing away my idols and showing me where my identity was misplaced. I didn't realize until then how much worth I put on not only my weight and size, but also my ability to lose said weight. It was probably one of the most humbling experiences of my life. And yet I fought against God and relied on my own strength. I kept white knuckling it and thinking "something's gotta give".
I realized eventually that the Progesterone medicine I was on was partially to blame. Ironically my body fat is low enough that I no longer get a menstrual cycle (called amenorrhea) and even the medicine didn't help. I'll be back this week at my doctor to figure out my next option. Anyways...once I finished that medicine I lost 8 pounds or so, but then hit another plateau. It was so frustrating to work and work and count and measure and....nothing. I'm a very goal-oriented person and to not see results yet again (after thinking I found the answer why) made me feel even worse. It was at this point that I decided maybe body building wasn't for me. The lies I heard in my head put me in such a dark place...one I haven't been in in a long time. The joy of fitness and working out I once had was gone. What I once counted as a blessing was now work and to be dreaded. I don't remember the point at which I decided that it wasn't worth it, but I do remember the peace I felt once I sent a text to my coach and told him I wouldn't be competing any longer; I knew it was the right decision.
I'm not a quitter. I am a woman of my word and fiercely loyal to the things I commit to. When I put my mind on something you better believe I will not only do it, but I will be the best I can be at it. This quality makes me a really good friend and employee, but it also can have disastrous effects when I base my worth and identity on performance. I have probably read 2000 books in my life and I have only started and not finished two...literally two! I can tell you exactly what two they are and why, but that's besides the point. For me to commit to something, to set a goal and then to not finish....well it kills me. And I know exactly why- it's because I associate my worth with performance. Failure is not an option. Except for now. Looking back I wonder if God allowed me to start this phase and season to learn how to humble myself and fail at body building so that I can take my identity of someTHING and put it on someONE.
I tried something new, I put all I had into it, and I failed. And that's okay.
Wow! Giving myself the freedom to fail at something has been so liberating! I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the harm it was causing to my soul and subsequently my relationships and even work performance. I was walking around like a zombie for months and barely recognized myself. I felt so alone, so isolated, and was on the verge of tears 24/7. To those of you in my life who witnessed this, thank you for your grace and not leaving me. I'm still processing and healing, so hopefully I'll be back to myself soon.
During this time...or rather in conjunction with this dark season, my eating disorder morphed and I relapsed HARD. I won't go into details to avoid triggering situations, but looking back now I can see that having a restrictive diet was the last thing I needed. I assumed it would help me stay on track, but it did the opposite: the lack of control caused me to act out to try and regain the control. I knew I needed professional help, but never did because I couldn't afford it on top of my coaching fees and used that as an excuse. But then God provided a Christian counselor that was the exact amount a month as I was paying my coach. I knew at that time that quitting body building and pursing mental health was what I needed and am so glad I did!
I can say now that I'm 51 days "sober" from my disordered eating behaviors, praise the Lord! I'll write more later on this, but I am excited to find freedom again. God is good!
I'm not exactly sure what will be next for me; right now I'm just taking time to really focus on counseling and processing and working through the lies I hear that are causing me to turn to things other than Jesus. It feels good to have some space to do that and I don't feel pressured to do more, which is liberating. I'm not sure how long this season will last, but I'm going to trust God and take it one day at a time. And maybe God will call me back to the body building stage, but if not, He's still good!
I feel more empowered now knowing what it's like to fail at something and live through it. When I think about taking big risks- for careers, relationships, home buying, etc...I can risk failing because I know at the end of the day I am fully loved and accepted in Christ and nothing can ever change that. Though I stumble, I will not fall, for the Lord upholds my hand!
About a year ago I was introduced to the world of body building. I discovered I had some Christian friends who did it and it peaked my interest. I had come to the point in my own fitness where I had hit all my goals and was looking for a new challenge. I am very goal oriented and need something to work towards to keep me on track. I decided to do as much research as I could: I followed people on social media, read blogs, articles, and talked with people in the industry. I thought, prayed, discussed, debated and after almost a year I decided I wanted to try for a competition. I never thought it was something that could be done well and for the glory of God, but I came to a place of peace about it and made the jump! I knew it would be a challenge and it would cause me to depend on God in a new way and to take a huge risk and be vulnerable. I decided to hire a prep coach and starting in February I began my official training for a summer show.
I opted for Women's Figure, which is a step up of sorts from the traditional Bikini level...judges look for more muscle, especially shoulders and lats. I thought I already had enough muscle when I met with my coach and could start cutting right away, but boy was I wrong! In retrospect I should have stuck with Bikini, but I learned that the hard way. My coach said I needed to put on some muscle and for the first time in my life I purposely put on weight. Bulking was the hardest thing I've done because I had to fight the lie that I was failing in terms of fitness because I was putting on muscle/weight. Every week when my clothes got tighter and tighter, the self-hatred and lies got louder and louder. Soon, I had to pull old clothes from the back of my closet because nothing fit except my spandex workout gear. I kept telling myself it would be over soon and I would lose the weight quickly, that it was just a season. But what I didn't realize was how revealing that process was for me in terms of identity. I knew that a lot of my depression stemmed from the fact that my self-worth was being stripped away as the number on the clothing label went up. I was no longer size 2 and that killed me. I felt like all the work I put in to lose the weight was undone in a matter of weeks- and the worst part was that I was doing it to myself! I was paying a lot of money for my training and meal plan AND spending hours in the gym to do so. It was so confusing! But I kept pushing through as I put on 20 pound even though my body fat percent went down. From the outside I can see how illogical it sounds, but seeing my weight in the 150's again was terrifying and I felt out of control. I hated myself and felt like my body had sabotaged me in a way. The ironic part was that I ran 2 half marathons during this time- one of which I didn't even train for! I was strong and healthy and fit, but I wasn't able to see that because all I saw was the number on the scale.
I eventually put on enough muscle that my coach said I could start cutting and I was thrilled! So we changed up my macros, added more cardio...the perfect combination, right? Well not quite, because I wasn't able to lose weight. It should have started coming off 1-2 pounds a week, but I wasn't seeing that and I felt like a failure once again. How can I not lose weight quickly? I did it before, I should be able to do it again! I'm a weight loss queen for crying out loud! But again, God was revealing away my idols and showing me where my identity was misplaced. I didn't realize until then how much worth I put on not only my weight and size, but also my ability to lose said weight. It was probably one of the most humbling experiences of my life. And yet I fought against God and relied on my own strength. I kept white knuckling it and thinking "something's gotta give".
I realized eventually that the Progesterone medicine I was on was partially to blame. Ironically my body fat is low enough that I no longer get a menstrual cycle (called amenorrhea) and even the medicine didn't help. I'll be back this week at my doctor to figure out my next option. Anyways...once I finished that medicine I lost 8 pounds or so, but then hit another plateau. It was so frustrating to work and work and count and measure and....nothing. I'm a very goal-oriented person and to not see results yet again (after thinking I found the answer why) made me feel even worse. It was at this point that I decided maybe body building wasn't for me. The lies I heard in my head put me in such a dark place...one I haven't been in in a long time. The joy of fitness and working out I once had was gone. What I once counted as a blessing was now work and to be dreaded. I don't remember the point at which I decided that it wasn't worth it, but I do remember the peace I felt once I sent a text to my coach and told him I wouldn't be competing any longer; I knew it was the right decision.
I'm not a quitter. I am a woman of my word and fiercely loyal to the things I commit to. When I put my mind on something you better believe I will not only do it, but I will be the best I can be at it. This quality makes me a really good friend and employee, but it also can have disastrous effects when I base my worth and identity on performance. I have probably read 2000 books in my life and I have only started and not finished two...literally two! I can tell you exactly what two they are and why, but that's besides the point. For me to commit to something, to set a goal and then to not finish....well it kills me. And I know exactly why- it's because I associate my worth with performance. Failure is not an option. Except for now. Looking back I wonder if God allowed me to start this phase and season to learn how to humble myself and fail at body building so that I can take my identity of someTHING and put it on someONE.
I tried something new, I put all I had into it, and I failed. And that's okay.
Wow! Giving myself the freedom to fail at something has been so liberating! I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the harm it was causing to my soul and subsequently my relationships and even work performance. I was walking around like a zombie for months and barely recognized myself. I felt so alone, so isolated, and was on the verge of tears 24/7. To those of you in my life who witnessed this, thank you for your grace and not leaving me. I'm still processing and healing, so hopefully I'll be back to myself soon.
During this time...or rather in conjunction with this dark season, my eating disorder morphed and I relapsed HARD. I won't go into details to avoid triggering situations, but looking back now I can see that having a restrictive diet was the last thing I needed. I assumed it would help me stay on track, but it did the opposite: the lack of control caused me to act out to try and regain the control. I knew I needed professional help, but never did because I couldn't afford it on top of my coaching fees and used that as an excuse. But then God provided a Christian counselor that was the exact amount a month as I was paying my coach. I knew at that time that quitting body building and pursing mental health was what I needed and am so glad I did!
I can say now that I'm 51 days "sober" from my disordered eating behaviors, praise the Lord! I'll write more later on this, but I am excited to find freedom again. God is good!
I'm not exactly sure what will be next for me; right now I'm just taking time to really focus on counseling and processing and working through the lies I hear that are causing me to turn to things other than Jesus. It feels good to have some space to do that and I don't feel pressured to do more, which is liberating. I'm not sure how long this season will last, but I'm going to trust God and take it one day at a time. And maybe God will call me back to the body building stage, but if not, He's still good!
I feel more empowered now knowing what it's like to fail at something and live through it. When I think about taking big risks- for careers, relationships, home buying, etc...I can risk failing because I know at the end of the day I am fully loved and accepted in Christ and nothing can ever change that. Though I stumble, I will not fall, for the Lord upholds my hand!
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