Pizza and Powerlessness

I had a recent revelation about food: I don't like it when I don't have a choice in what I eat. 

It all started a few weeks ago when I was with some friends on a Friday night that decided to order pizza at their house and invited me over. I didn't really have a dinner plan that day, but I assumed (my first mistake) I would be going out to a restaurant with a friend and would have some healthier options to choose from. But the friend I was with wasn't hungry enough to go out, so we decided to go back to our friends' house for the night to hang out since they invited us over. I should have spoken up then and asked to stop for a salad or something healthy on the way, but I didn't want to be an imposition or make anyone think I was "too good" for pizza, ya know? 

And it's not that I don't like pizza...I love a good pizza! If you've never experienced Lou Malnatti's butter crust deep dish pizza then you haven't lived and I feel sorry for you. I regularly get pizza at Blaze here in Orlando and I think I've only walked out with left overs once in my life. It's not about the pizza, it's never about the food itself...I just didn't like that that was my only option. I was a guest in their home (AKA couldn't raid their pantry for something else) and didn't even have my own car to go grab food elsewhere. So in my head I was mentally calculating the calories and debating to eat or not. The conversation in my head went a little something like this:

"How many calories is one slice? Can I take off the pepperoni and sausage to save calories? Will one piece be enough to satisfy me? What about two? How many carbs did I already eat at lunch? I'm going to be super bloated tomorrow if I eat this, ugh! Maybe I can go for a run to work it off tonight or tomorrow morning. No, it's cold and rainy, that won't work. Maybe I just won't eat dinner at all tonight. But I can't starve myself, that's bad. Just eat the pizza already! No, go get a protein bar from your bag. But pizza tastes so good! I'm free to eat pizza because Jesus says so! But is it really worth the calories? Maybe you can just not eat tomorrow to make up for it..."

I wish that these statements were an exaggeration, but sadly it's my reality. I have ADHD; my brain rapid fires thoughts and ideas faster than I can keep up. This conversation took place in my head in the span of about 15 seconds...but it played over and over and over for an hour or so. I obsess and over analyze, I make lists and evaluate possible outcomes. You can usually tell when this is happening because I'm super distracted and not paying attention to anything you're saying to me even if I'm looking right at you. I get so lost in my thoughts just trying to follow one idea all the way to the end, but my brain is like a maze with thousands of turns and dead ends and all I want to do is get the heck out!

Since then I've been able to look back and process that night & I realized a few feelings I had:

I felt trapped.
I felt like I wasn't being considered.
I felt that my opinion didn't matter. 
I felt like the decision was being made for me.
I felt powerless.
I felt guilty for being hungry.

The last one is still pretty big and raw for me, even today as I write this. We had eaten a big BBQ lunch that day and most people would still be full from all the cornbread, mac & cheese, and meat...but I was legitimately hungry again even thought it had only been a few hours. But I felt like there was something wrong with me for being hungry already. I felt masculine and I was ashamed of my large appetite. I've been learning this week to accept the hunger signals my body gives me because my body is my body and no one else's. No one can tell me but me if I am really hungry or not. And it's okay if I am regardless of how many calories I've already eaten that day. Some days I can pack away a good 2500 calories and others I can barely eat 1000. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason, but I'm trusting myself to listen to my body cues and feed my body what it needs in order to be properly fueled.

Back to the story...

The feeling of powerlessness caused me to mentally shut down, I started withdrawing and isolating...those are my normal flesh responses to a stressor. I pulled back from my friends. I wanted to cry, but held it together (but barely so). My one friend asked if I was okay and I lied because I knew I would start to ugly cry if I really said what I was feeling. I also didn't really know at that point how to articulate it, I just knew I felt out of control and had nothing familiar to cling to...which is usually food. Since that was taken away from me, I felt so unsettled. 

I texted my best friend Laura and she reassured me that it was okay to eat the pizza, that I wouldn't gain 5 pounds overnight, that I could still enjoy my time with my friends. I'm so thankful to have people who can speak truth into my life and are on my team rooting for my victory. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'll gain the weight back that I worked so hard to get rid of. Even though it took 9 months to lose 50 pounds, I often feel like I'll gain it back overnight. After Laura's reassurance I finally ate the pizza, came around (mentally and emotionally) to my friends and was eventually able to talk about my feelings and process some later that evening. I went to bed with a much happier heart.

[I have recognized that one of the best things I can do in these moments is to serve in some capacity, like doing the dishes or cleaning up. I've found that if I can step out of myself and my thoughts, out of my pity party (which is just a form of pride), I can humble myself and get a better grasp on the situation.]

What I learned in this situation was:

1. It's okay to speak up and ask for help
2. My body signals are good and I can trust myself to listen to them
3. My friends weren't being intentionally malicious towards me or ignoring my feelings
4. The most important person in this world (Jesus) hears me and considers me

1 John 5:14 “And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will HE HEARS US." 

I've been on this post-weight loss journey for 2 years and I still have to depend daily on God for my identity and worth. I wish I was completely 100% healed from disordered eating and honestly I don't know if that day will ever come on this side of heaven. But what I do know is that the fight for holiness is worth it because Jesus is worth it.

I still take it one day at a time.