like a roaring lion
The past 4 months of maintenance have been excruciatingly hard. I assumed that once I got to my goal weight that I would have it a little easier. At first I had to take some time to figure out how many points I could have without gaining weight. It was pretty hard the first few weeks because I did gain weight back and had to lose it again. It felt like I had failed. Then I decided to stop tracking all together and trust myself to eat the appropriate amount, but that only lasted a little while before I caught myself making exceptions for things that I normally wouldn't have. It's a lot easier to let that extra cookie get by when you don't have any sort of accountability. It's kinda like when you go to Target without a budget or plan and you think "Oh, I won't spend that much"...but then 2 hours and $124 later you're at the cash register and wondering how you got there with so many random items you never knew you needed. So I had a few moments where the lies crept in that I could afford to eat that brownie even though I wasn't hungry because "doesn't it look good?" and "don't I deserve it?" After all, I just spent the last 9 months limiting sweets so it's okay if I indulge now. It'll be fine! Right? Wrong.
What I didn't realize then was that those statements were lies straight from the enemy. I had no idea the intense spiritual battle that was going on in my soul in regards to food and maintenance. I knew it would be hard when I was actively losing weight, but I let my defenses down in February thinking I had made it, it was done, it was over forever. I think Satan sent his most cunning and conniving of minions to me at that point. If you've ever experienced intense spiritual warfare, you know the feeling of having your soul being constantly pulled back and forth like a little rag doll. I'm exhausted even before I get out of bed! But I didn't realize until now why I was so emotionally, mentally, and spiritually tired. I thought it was because of other things going on in my life (which I'm sure didn't help). I wasn't prepared for the battle and the bullets have left me riddled with holes and now I'm trying to stop the bleeding so I can heal.
But you know the thing about the enemy? He can't attack you when you know his battle plan! Every great military and sports team knows that in order to have a good offense, you need a better defense. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have a tactic I like to call "painting the devil"....well my brushes are in full force now! I am finding the weak areas where the lies are creeping in and I'm covering them with truth about who God says I am and why I'm continuing to choose healthy food and exercise. When I can see where the attacks are coming from, I can make sure I have extra defense there. My vision has been renewed and I'm committed to this lifestyle for the long haul. I have no intention of going back to slavery!
Here is what I often hear:
"You can afford to have that [insert high calorie food here]" -> Just because I can afford to eat it doesn't mean I should. Am I eating it because it's really good and I want to enjoy God's good pleasures, or is it because I'm feeding emotional hunger?
"You're going to gain all the weight back over night" -> that's just not physically possible. And if I do fluctuate a few pounds, I'll be fine!
"You need to lose more weight, it's not good enough to stop where you are" -> I could lose more weight and maybe I will, but I won't do it as a response to this lie. I am enough because Christ is enough.
"You deserve to eat this because you worked really hard at the gym" -> the only thing I deserve is hell, but Christ has already taken care of that on the cross. And every good thing on earth, like sugar cookies, are a sweet gift from God. I don't deserve any of them and never want to assume that. God is so, so gracious to me.
"You should be able to eat whatever you want now without having to keep track" -> I wish I didn't have to, but for now I still need to keep track of what I eat so that I stay healthy. Eventually I'll be able to gauge better and not have to track, but that time hasn't come yet. And that's okay. I'm not a failure because I still haven't figured it out yet.
I also realized that it's been so hard because I'm working just as hard as I was before and now I'm not getting any tangible results. Before I was counting and tracking and exercising and seeing the scale move! It was so exciting to watch the numbers go down and see my hard work pay off! I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement. But now...I work just as hard and I get nothing in return (or so it seems). So without a vision for why I'm continuing to do this, I'm bound to fail. My vision now is to choose a healthy lifestyle to honor God with my body. Do I have the freedom to eat ho-hos for dinner? Yep! But I will choose to fuel my body with good food so that I can have the strength to serve Him better. I will also give myself some wiggle room and grace to enjoy high calorie foods in moderation because having freedom to do that also brings Him glory.
I will continue to weigh-in on Wednesdays and check in with my group, I will continue to keep a food and exercise log...not so I obsess over every bite I eat, but only to gauge how I'm doing with my points. I will continue to refrain from buying specific trigger food items (oreos, cheez-its, etc.) because I still can't enjoy them in moderation...yet. You don't stop budgeting when you when the lottery and assume you'll be okay forever because eventually that money will run out and you're going to be standing at the cash register wondering why your card is getting declined. I will continue to ask God to meet me in this journey. And I will have grace with myself when I fail.
Most importantly, I will prepare for battle. This means being rooted in the Word, memorizing scripture, praying often, being honest and staying in authentic community with people who will fight with me. I can honor God when I choose salad over a cheeseburger because my body is a temple that was created in His image. I can bring God glory in my discipline with getting up early to exercise. But I can't do this without Jesus, so I will petition for His strength to sustain me.
What lies have you been hearing? Where has the enemy been attacking you? And how can you put up better defenses?
Let me know how I can be praying for you!
What I didn't realize then was that those statements were lies straight from the enemy. I had no idea the intense spiritual battle that was going on in my soul in regards to food and maintenance. I knew it would be hard when I was actively losing weight, but I let my defenses down in February thinking I had made it, it was done, it was over forever. I think Satan sent his most cunning and conniving of minions to me at that point. If you've ever experienced intense spiritual warfare, you know the feeling of having your soul being constantly pulled back and forth like a little rag doll. I'm exhausted even before I get out of bed! But I didn't realize until now why I was so emotionally, mentally, and spiritually tired. I thought it was because of other things going on in my life (which I'm sure didn't help). I wasn't prepared for the battle and the bullets have left me riddled with holes and now I'm trying to stop the bleeding so I can heal.
But you know the thing about the enemy? He can't attack you when you know his battle plan! Every great military and sports team knows that in order to have a good offense, you need a better defense. I mentioned in an earlier post that I have a tactic I like to call "painting the devil"....well my brushes are in full force now! I am finding the weak areas where the lies are creeping in and I'm covering them with truth about who God says I am and why I'm continuing to choose healthy food and exercise. When I can see where the attacks are coming from, I can make sure I have extra defense there. My vision has been renewed and I'm committed to this lifestyle for the long haul. I have no intention of going back to slavery!
Here is what I often hear:
"You can afford to have that [insert high calorie food here]" -> Just because I can afford to eat it doesn't mean I should. Am I eating it because it's really good and I want to enjoy God's good pleasures, or is it because I'm feeding emotional hunger?
"You're going to gain all the weight back over night" -> that's just not physically possible. And if I do fluctuate a few pounds, I'll be fine!
"You need to lose more weight, it's not good enough to stop where you are" -> I could lose more weight and maybe I will, but I won't do it as a response to this lie. I am enough because Christ is enough.
"You deserve to eat this because you worked really hard at the gym" -> the only thing I deserve is hell, but Christ has already taken care of that on the cross. And every good thing on earth, like sugar cookies, are a sweet gift from God. I don't deserve any of them and never want to assume that. God is so, so gracious to me.
"You should be able to eat whatever you want now without having to keep track" -> I wish I didn't have to, but for now I still need to keep track of what I eat so that I stay healthy. Eventually I'll be able to gauge better and not have to track, but that time hasn't come yet. And that's okay. I'm not a failure because I still haven't figured it out yet.
I also realized that it's been so hard because I'm working just as hard as I was before and now I'm not getting any tangible results. Before I was counting and tracking and exercising and seeing the scale move! It was so exciting to watch the numbers go down and see my hard work pay off! I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement. But now...I work just as hard and I get nothing in return (or so it seems). So without a vision for why I'm continuing to do this, I'm bound to fail. My vision now is to choose a healthy lifestyle to honor God with my body. Do I have the freedom to eat ho-hos for dinner? Yep! But I will choose to fuel my body with good food so that I can have the strength to serve Him better. I will also give myself some wiggle room and grace to enjoy high calorie foods in moderation because having freedom to do that also brings Him glory.
I will continue to weigh-in on Wednesdays and check in with my group, I will continue to keep a food and exercise log...not so I obsess over every bite I eat, but only to gauge how I'm doing with my points. I will continue to refrain from buying specific trigger food items (oreos, cheez-its, etc.) because I still can't enjoy them in moderation...yet. You don't stop budgeting when you when the lottery and assume you'll be okay forever because eventually that money will run out and you're going to be standing at the cash register wondering why your card is getting declined. I will continue to ask God to meet me in this journey. And I will have grace with myself when I fail.
Most importantly, I will prepare for battle. This means being rooted in the Word, memorizing scripture, praying often, being honest and staying in authentic community with people who will fight with me. I can honor God when I choose salad over a cheeseburger because my body is a temple that was created in His image. I can bring God glory in my discipline with getting up early to exercise. But I can't do this without Jesus, so I will petition for His strength to sustain me.
What lies have you been hearing? Where has the enemy been attacking you? And how can you put up better defenses?
Let me know how I can be praying for you!
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