Living in the Tension
Faith comes easy to me. I've been described as "zealous" and "passionate" about things I believe in. I am fiercely loyal and can rally behind something quickly, whether it's God, recycling, social justice issues, or even trivial things like my gym (seriously come check out Orange Theory with me!).
I believe that God can do big things, I just don't know if God will. There is a huge difference there and most (if not all) of my struggles come from the tension in between.
I know that God can create mountains with the snap of His proverbial fingers, but I don't know that God will create more Himalayas.
I know God could give me my dream job and PhD, but I don't know if God will.
I know God can heal cancer, but I don't know if He will.
I know God can free me from food idolatry in a split second, but I don't know if He will.
I know God could give me a husband and family, but I don't know if He will.
When I wrestle in the tension, the questions I ask myself are these...if God doesn't do these things:
What does that say about God?
What does it say about me?
What does it say about my faith?
Does that mean that God is bad, sadistic, evil, and cruel? Because right now in my life that's how God feels to me. His timing seems cruel and unusual. None of it makes sense. Am I being punished? What purpose does He have in this and why couldn't He have gone about it differently so my heart wasn't a casualty?
If I logically think of these things and go back to scripture the answer is absolutely "NO!" I know in my head that He is perfectly good, just, holy, and gives to His children abundantly. But how do I reason that with the seemingly negligence of God to not give me things He easily could (and these aren't selfish, childish wishes like a million dollars and perfect health). The answer I have come to this week is this: because obviously there is a greater purpose at work, a purpose that causes my heart to trust Him more and make me more like Christ. There are some answers I won't get on this side of Heaven...and that's okay!
(Alright, to be honest I don't really feel like that 100%, but I'm going to say it until I believe it)
I don't need to know God's reasoning over every decision in my life; if He gave it to me every time then I wouldn't have to trust Him. That's why He is God and I am not! Because He is sovereign over all of time and creation and can see the whole picture. God is doing probably 290382 things in my life right now and I'm aware of about 3 of them.
The thing I love most about God is that He meets me in that tension, in those questions and doubts and whispers "Heather, I love you anyway, even when you don't fully trust Me." And in that tension I can sit with my Abba Father and weep as He holds me so near to Himself. Sometimes I think that was His purpose all along- to draw me close to Himself. So close I shall stay. Come sit with me!
I believe that God can do big things, I just don't know if God will. There is a huge difference there and most (if not all) of my struggles come from the tension in between.
I know that God can create mountains with the snap of His proverbial fingers, but I don't know that God will create more Himalayas.
I know God could give me my dream job and PhD, but I don't know if God will.
I know God can heal cancer, but I don't know if He will.
I know God can free me from food idolatry in a split second, but I don't know if He will.
I know God could give me a husband and family, but I don't know if He will.
When I wrestle in the tension, the questions I ask myself are these...if God doesn't do these things:
What does that say about God?
What does it say about me?
What does it say about my faith?
Does that mean that God is bad, sadistic, evil, and cruel? Because right now in my life that's how God feels to me. His timing seems cruel and unusual. None of it makes sense. Am I being punished? What purpose does He have in this and why couldn't He have gone about it differently so my heart wasn't a casualty?
If I logically think of these things and go back to scripture the answer is absolutely "NO!" I know in my head that He is perfectly good, just, holy, and gives to His children abundantly. But how do I reason that with the seemingly negligence of God to not give me things He easily could (and these aren't selfish, childish wishes like a million dollars and perfect health). The answer I have come to this week is this: because obviously there is a greater purpose at work, a purpose that causes my heart to trust Him more and make me more like Christ. There are some answers I won't get on this side of Heaven...and that's okay!
(Alright, to be honest I don't really feel like that 100%, but I'm going to say it until I believe it)
I don't need to know God's reasoning over every decision in my life; if He gave it to me every time then I wouldn't have to trust Him. That's why He is God and I am not! Because He is sovereign over all of time and creation and can see the whole picture. God is doing probably 290382 things in my life right now and I'm aware of about 3 of them.
The thing I love most about God is that He meets me in that tension, in those questions and doubts and whispers "Heather, I love you anyway, even when you don't fully trust Me." And in that tension I can sit with my Abba Father and weep as He holds me so near to Himself. Sometimes I think that was His purpose all along- to draw me close to Himself. So close I shall stay. Come sit with me!
Comments
Post a Comment