An Idol of Control

You know when you're in a group project in school and there's that one student who takes over and does the entire project by herself and won't let you help or give input? She's obsessed with getting an A+ and doesn't think you're competent enough to get one? So she stays up past midnight working on the entire project, or re-does everything the other group members have done? Yeah, that was me. And I'm really sorry if you had to deal with that.

I've been a control freak since I can remember. Through reGROUP I discovered that one of my core values is "I need to be safe" and control gives me that feeling (although sometimes it's an illusion) that I'm safe and secure. I just have this need to know that everything is going to be okay, and if it isn't then at least I did everything I could. It comes down to pride though, doesn't it? It's ultimately a trust issue. Do I trust God and other people with my safety and security? Will they take care of me? Do they love me enough to do that?

Unfortunately I've had some bad experiences with people not keeping me safe as they should have. I have grieved those losses and know that God will take care of them either on the cross or in Hell because He is perfectly just. That gives me the freedom to forgive. But there is still a wound that I sometimes live out of because the people I trusted with my safety have let me down. I learned that no one is going to keep me safe and secure except myself, so I've taken on that role as protector. It is a heavy burden to carry.

I have made an idol of control.

Darren Patrick very helpfully says this, “Because the human heart was made to worship someone outside itself, it continually seeks a place to rest. It seeks an object on which to set its hope. We simply must go to something or someone to feel at peace. Scripture teaches that we human beings will ultimately look to God or to something or someone else, be it achievement, relationships, family, status, popularity or even a hobby to make us feel socially connected, personally significant and emotionally secure. And whatever or whoever we look to to pursue, that will drive everything else in our lives.”

Kevin Plarson adds:
If control is our main source idol, we’re known for self-discipline. We’re the responsible, dependable ones. We love certainty. We need clarity. We like standards and want to attain them and maintain them.
Notice the price we’re willing to pay to have this. If we worship something, we’ll serve it. We’ll sacrifice for it. Loneliness is worth it. We’ll be lonely either because we don’t want others to mess things up. Or maybe we’ve driven them away because of our our critical spirits. But we think it’s worth it if things are manageable.
Our greatest nightmares are uncertainty or chaos. That freaks us out. If being in control is our god, our functional savior, then this is our functional hell. Not knowing what’s going to happen. Not knowing where things are or why they are what they are.
Others around us often feel condemned. We have to manage everything and everyone. We nit-pick. We criticize. We hurt feelings. We discourage.
Our problem emotion is worry, along with fear. If this is a common emotion for you – anxiety, worry, or fear – then you’re too much trying to take control. For your life, and for that of others.
Here is the slogan for those enslaved to control: “life only has meaning/I only have worth if I am able to get mastery over my life in the area of _____________.”

• If you check to see if the garage door went down three times, and not just once, you might have a control idol.
• If people around you would say that you’re critical more often than you’re encouraging, you might have a problem with control.
• If getting a new day planner is the highlight of your year, you might have some control issues.
• If you’ve ever done your kids’ homework and then gotten frustrated when you didn’t get them a perfect score, you might have a control idol.
• If you flip out when you miss an exit or you must be the person with the GPS to prevent such a catastrophe, you might be trusting in your control.
• If the plans go out the window and you completely lose your mind, you might idolize control.
• If you can’t sleep at night due to all the problems in your life, you no doubt have a control problem.
• If every time you hear a siren, you call home to check on your family, you might have a control idol.
• If you think your gift is offering “constructive criticism,” you definitely have control struggles.
• If you check over your exam more than twice, and always leave last, you might have a control problem.
• If you follow your kid’s car around when they go out for dates, you might have some control issues.
• If you’ve ever said, “If I want it done right, I’ve gotta do it myself,” you might have a control idol.
• If you feel compelled to straighten picture frames on someone else’s wall, you definitely have a problem with control.

Binge eating disorder plays into this idol for me in two ways. First, binging gives me some safety and security when life seems chaotic. I know exactly how those sugar cookies will taste (and they are delicious), so I can trust them when I can trust nothing else in my life. They comfort me and anchor my soul temporarily, even for just a few seconds. For me, ironically, bingeing is also about a lack of control. You see..my food was bought and prepared for me my entire life until I graduated high school. Then I went off to college and had to shop and cook for myself and I went haywire! I bought everything I wanted and some: ice cream, cookies, chips, beer, etc. I had no one telling me what I could and couldn't eat- it felt like freedom! But it actually trapped and enslaved me.

Potlucks and buffets were my worst nightmare. Which really poses a problem when your campus dining plan includes all you can eat dining halls. Seriously, American colleges, stop that! It's not helpful for anyone. I often would go eat just for something to do. Or I would go to Cookout at 3am for a milkshake because, why not? YOLO! That's what you do in college, right? But it wasn't just once a semester during finals, it was a weekly thing. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and my dreams of full-time ministry were being ripped apart, but that strawberry cheesecake milkshake was a sure fire thing, so let's hold on to that!

It's easy to look back and see where I should have been clinging to Jesus. But honestly, Jesus doesn't feel as good as chips & guacamole sometimes. But I love Hebrews 6:19: "We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul". That means when my life is chaotic and I feel untethered, when I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, the one thing I can cling to is Jesus.

He is eternal. 
He is unchanging. 
He is trustworthy.
He is good.

These are truths I have to remind myself of daily! Even currently- the plan I had for my life for the next year has been drastically changed in a matter of weeks. I'm paralyzed with fear at times because I thought I had it all figured out. It was going to be perfect! But perfect doesn't allow you to trust God, does it? This control freak is learning how to relinquish control of my expectations for the future and what I think it should look like. Because I have proven time and time again that my choices and my "perfect" timing are far less superior to God's. My mind and vision is so small compared to the omniscience of God. I guess that's why I'm not God (although I think I am sometimes). I'm so thankful for grace that's new each morning because, man, I blow it a lot.

So now I'm learning to sit in the chaos and anchor my soul to the only sure thing we have: Jesus. I encourage you to do the same. It's scary, I know, but I promise it's way better than that clearance Easter candy you just bought.