The Blue Dress

This picture was taken in March 2012. One of my best friends, Dana, was getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I was so happy for her, but I was not happy for me. That dress is a size 18. An 18! I remember the day I ordered it and after taking my measurements thought "this has to be a mistake, I can't be more than a 14". But 18 it was and I couldn't deny it. Dana's wedding was so joyful and Dana looked radiant; I loved being a part of it. But what I remember most vividly from that day is the shame I felt walking down the aisle. See how my head is down? It's because I was too embarrassed to look up and make eye contact with anyone, lest the see the insecure girl in the blue dress. I felt fat, ugly, repulsive. The lie I heard all day was "you'll never get to walk down this aisle in a white dress because you're too fat for someone to love and want to marry". Harsh, right? Maybe you've heard similar lies. Friend, those lies are from the pit of hell! John 8:44 says Satan is the father of all lies and I absolutely believe that.

Sadly, this was not the first time I heard those lies. I remember becoming aware that I was bigger than other girls in 5th grade when we all got IDs made with our height and weight. Up to that point I was just me and oblivious to how I measured up to my peers; it was a great time of freedom! But when we got our IDs, we all showed each other and it was then that I realized I was bigger- I remember clearly that I was 99 pounds because it was so close to 100; the other girls weren't even close. Now, I was really athletic and active, so I wasn't obese by any form of the definition, but that was when I started to compare myself to other girls. And comparison is the thief of all joy! For the last 18 years of my life I have compared every aspect of my body to others on a daily basis and I always came up short. It was exhausting!!! And I assumed that I was somehow less (girly, important, etc.) because I weighed more- like my worth was directly proportional to my weight.

All that to say, my story of weight gain (and loss) has been decades in the making. The thoughts I had at Dana's wedding weren't new and it took another 3.5 years before I started my journey to fight them. I will continue to write about that journey and tell my story of freedom. I hope you'll come along!

in case you wondered what I look like now...60 pounds lighter :)