The Decision
I don't remember the exact day or time I decided to start taking my food idolatry and eating disorder seriously. I didn't have an "aha!" moment I can pinpoint, nor was it after some crazy binge that I thought "I can't do this anymore". I'm pretty sure it was in the middle of a reGROUP meeting though...sometime towards the end of April of 2015. I'll do another post about reGROUP in more detail, but for now you should know it's a recovery ministry hosted by Summit Church in Orlando. Basically anyone with any hurt, habit, or hangup is welcome to come and work towards freedom from those things keeping us from a better relationship with God.
I had found a lot of freedom in other areas of my life with reGROUP and I just thought to myself one day...I think I'm finally ready to tackle this food thing. Transformation happens when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. At that time, the pain of staying the same was too much. I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to stay enslaved to food any longer. I had tasted freedom (pun intended) and it was good! I wanted more! If you're familiar with 12 step programs like AA, you know that Step 1 is "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction- that our lives had become unmanageable". I admitted to myself and to my reGROUP girls that I was powerless over food. It's a scary thing to admit your dependence on whatever thing it is- food, sex, shopping, people pleasing, etc. It's such a humbling experience to admit how weak and helpless you are, especially to something as seemingly trivial as food.
So you might be thinking: How does food have power over you? Well it's two-fold for me: control and comfort. My idols of control and comfort extend far beyond food, but they both overlap there in a deadly intersection. There are 4 main idols in our lives: control, comfort, approval, and power. So I had 2 wrapped up in this one area of my life. Awesome. I will write more later about these in detail and how they played themselves out.
But back to reGROUP...in order to really start the program, you have to have at least 30 days of consecutive sobriety. Sobriety allows room for God to start carving out some space in your life to get a clearer picture of your situation. You can't very easily tackle co-depenency issues when you're still sleeping with your boyfriend, right? You need some separation from yourself and your dependencies to get a better look at how they aren't working in your life. Obviously you can't not eat (and go cold turkey from cold turkey as I like to say), so it took some thinking about how I was going to proceed. Now I want to make this clear: I did not start this journey to lose weight. My decision to start this journey was for freedom. My prayer was that even if I didn't lose a single pound, but found freedom from food, I would still be happy with that. Each pound that I have subsequently lost ultimately points back to the work of Jesus and His redemptive power. Every pound I crossed off my chart is like a remembrance stone from Joshua 4 (if you aren't familiar with the story, go read it!).
In order to maintain "sobriety" from food, I decided to sign-up for Weight Watchers because it was something measurable. If you're not familiar with the program, you are allowed a certain number of daily points and an extra 49 to use throughout the week as you need. It was a great program for me because it wasn't controlling- I had the freedom to choose whatever I wanted to eat. If I wanted to spend 16 points on pancakes for breakfast then I could, but that just meant lunch and dinner would be limited. Just like you budget your money, I had to budget my food. I didn't want a plan that was restrictive, because that was exactly what I was what I was fighting against. And I wanted something sustainable long term- not some short, crazy diet where I can't eat anything that starts with a vowel. However, each person is very different. So if you're on this journey to or thinking of starting please find whatever works for you. I have several friends who just track with MyFitnessPal. Or maybe you don't need to track food at all. Do what's best for you. Tracking in itself can become an idol and you have to tread lightly.
I weighed in that initial week at 185.6 pounds, which is actually 10 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight, but terrifying nonetheless. I wore a size 14 pants and XL tops for the most part. I was in denial about how much weight I had gained and this was a sobering reality to how far my idolatry had gotten me. I was allowed 31 Weight Watchers points and so that's where I started. I committed to take it one day at a time. And I have done that every day since then. That has made all the difference! In Matthew 6:34 Jesus says "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."
The beauty in taking it one day at a time is that when I messed up or ate an entire sleeve of Oreos in one sitting (yes that happened), there was grace new each day. I could start fresh because Jesus said I could! I could make decisions to move forward towards freedom instead of backwards. I didn't have to dwell on my mistakes or failures, but I could trust them to Jesus because that's exactly why He died.
I'll continue the story later and talk a little more about accountability and the reGROUP process and why doing this by yourself will set you up for failure. But I want to leave you with these questions:
Why do you want to start/continue?
What is your motivation?
What will your life look like if you aren't enslaved to food/body image/exercise?
Figuring out the answers to those questions will make all the difference.
Be encouraged friends, our God is good!
I had found a lot of freedom in other areas of my life with reGROUP and I just thought to myself one day...I think I'm finally ready to tackle this food thing. Transformation happens when the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same. At that time, the pain of staying the same was too much. I couldn't do it anymore, I didn't want to stay enslaved to food any longer. I had tasted freedom (pun intended) and it was good! I wanted more! If you're familiar with 12 step programs like AA, you know that Step 1 is "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction- that our lives had become unmanageable". I admitted to myself and to my reGROUP girls that I was powerless over food. It's a scary thing to admit your dependence on whatever thing it is- food, sex, shopping, people pleasing, etc. It's such a humbling experience to admit how weak and helpless you are, especially to something as seemingly trivial as food.
So you might be thinking: How does food have power over you? Well it's two-fold for me: control and comfort. My idols of control and comfort extend far beyond food, but they both overlap there in a deadly intersection. There are 4 main idols in our lives: control, comfort, approval, and power. So I had 2 wrapped up in this one area of my life. Awesome. I will write more later about these in detail and how they played themselves out.
But back to reGROUP...in order to really start the program, you have to have at least 30 days of consecutive sobriety. Sobriety allows room for God to start carving out some space in your life to get a clearer picture of your situation. You can't very easily tackle co-depenency issues when you're still sleeping with your boyfriend, right? You need some separation from yourself and your dependencies to get a better look at how they aren't working in your life. Obviously you can't not eat (and go cold turkey from cold turkey as I like to say), so it took some thinking about how I was going to proceed. Now I want to make this clear: I did not start this journey to lose weight. My decision to start this journey was for freedom. My prayer was that even if I didn't lose a single pound, but found freedom from food, I would still be happy with that. Each pound that I have subsequently lost ultimately points back to the work of Jesus and His redemptive power. Every pound I crossed off my chart is like a remembrance stone from Joshua 4 (if you aren't familiar with the story, go read it!).
In order to maintain "sobriety" from food, I decided to sign-up for Weight Watchers because it was something measurable. If you're not familiar with the program, you are allowed a certain number of daily points and an extra 49 to use throughout the week as you need. It was a great program for me because it wasn't controlling- I had the freedom to choose whatever I wanted to eat. If I wanted to spend 16 points on pancakes for breakfast then I could, but that just meant lunch and dinner would be limited. Just like you budget your money, I had to budget my food. I didn't want a plan that was restrictive, because that was exactly what I was what I was fighting against. And I wanted something sustainable long term- not some short, crazy diet where I can't eat anything that starts with a vowel. However, each person is very different. So if you're on this journey to or thinking of starting please find whatever works for you. I have several friends who just track with MyFitnessPal. Or maybe you don't need to track food at all. Do what's best for you. Tracking in itself can become an idol and you have to tread lightly.
I weighed in that initial week at 185.6 pounds, which is actually 10 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight, but terrifying nonetheless. I wore a size 14 pants and XL tops for the most part. I was in denial about how much weight I had gained and this was a sobering reality to how far my idolatry had gotten me. I was allowed 31 Weight Watchers points and so that's where I started. I committed to take it one day at a time. And I have done that every day since then. That has made all the difference! In Matthew 6:34 Jesus says "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."
The beauty in taking it one day at a time is that when I messed up or ate an entire sleeve of Oreos in one sitting (yes that happened), there was grace new each day. I could start fresh because Jesus said I could! I could make decisions to move forward towards freedom instead of backwards. I didn't have to dwell on my mistakes or failures, but I could trust them to Jesus because that's exactly why He died.
I'll continue the story later and talk a little more about accountability and the reGROUP process and why doing this by yourself will set you up for failure. But I want to leave you with these questions:
Why do you want to start/continue?
What is your motivation?
What will your life look like if you aren't enslaved to food/body image/exercise?
Figuring out the answers to those questions will make all the difference.
Be encouraged friends, our God is good!
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