the girl on the train

Some days life feels like I'm on a speeding train watching the world go by while I am powerless to stop and get off. I pass by the stops that I thought were my destination only to find out my ticket doesn't match up. Marriage? Nope. Salaried corporate job? Sorry. Kids? Uhh-uhh. Home ownership? Keep along.

I boarded the train with my friends over a decade ago and we bonded in the cars as we traveled to what I thought was the same destination. We joked around, made memories, we laughed, we cried, we ate chocolate frogs (Anything from the trolley? We'll take the lot!). Then the train starts to slow down and some of my friends gather their belongings. I start to gather my things, too, but the attendant says this isn't my stop. A little confused, but I put my thingsk back. "At least some of my friends are still here" I think. I watch them get off and I wave from the window. "Have fun!" I yell as the train starts moving again.

And then it happens again. And again. And again. One-by-one they disembark leaving me behind. In some ways it gets easier because I'm used to it by now; in some ways it gets harder because I still don't know when I'm getting off. New passengers jump on board and I'm glad to have company, but it just isn't the same.

"Excuse me," I eventually ask the attendant, "I think I missed my stop way back there. Are you sure my ticket is correct?"

He looks at the ticket, he looks at me. "It's correct miss. Don't worry, just sit back and relax".

But relax is the last thing I can do! I'm thinking about how much I'm missing out on, what should have been, what could have been. I'm the annoying toddler in the car ride to Disney- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

I love my friends, I want them to be happy, but I also want to experience the journey WITH them. I wanted to share wedding planning tips, get advice on navigating the first year of marriage, clip coupons for diapers, get pediatrician recommendations, find good lenders and realtors and buy houses near each other so I could stop in for a cup of sugar when I run out. You know, normal, adult life things. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

I had it all planned out: graduate at 22, get a job as a missionary after graduation, get married and move overseas with my husband, first kid at 25, move back to the US and buy a house by 30. We'd grow our little family, maybe help plant a church. We'd lead a small group and mentor college kids. They'd come over for spaghetti and board games every Wednesday night. I'd see my family every week for dinner. I'd be an all-American mom: PTA meetings, soccer practice, youth group, field trip chaperone. Bake sale this weekend? I'll make cupcakes!

As I move seemingly farther and farther away from my friends, I settle for more sporadic FaceTime calls and Instagram photos that I'll double tap to remind them that I'm still around. I know they don't intentionally leave me out of things, but I feel excluded most of the time. I ask to hang out but they need a date night or they can't get a sitter or they're just too dang tired to go out. But I get it..they have spouses and kids and jobs and other responsibilities. They don't have as much freedom and flexibility as I do. They can't drop everything and go to Magic Kingdom for Dole Whip and fireworks like I can. Honestly, I'd do the same thing if I was in their position.

But God shifts my focus every now and then to re-position my view so I see the beauty around me. I don't want to squander my singleness because I'm too busy throwing myself a pity party. I know the enemy wants me to focus on what I don't have, but as I look back on the past 8 years since I graduated college, I smile and think of the awesome experiences I have had. Ones that I wouldn't trade for anything. While Satan whispers "you're missing out on so much!", I can shout back "but look at how much I've done!" with things like:

• traveling all over the country
• making a home in cool cities like Chicago and Orlando
• training dolphins, whales, and tigers
• skiing the Rockies!
• swimming in the Pacific, Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico
• working for some cool companies like SeaWorld and Disney
• meeting cool people from all over the world 
• visiting 4 MLB stadiums
• taking cruises to Mexico and the Bahamas (and the Virgin Islands next week!)
• scuba diving with turtles and sharks
• watching fireworks in front of Cinderella's Castle literally any night I want
• biking the Florida Keys
• serving in a ministry that helps women find freedom from their dependencies!
• helping plant a church in Orlando

While life isn't what I expected, it's still so rich. Honestly if I had gotten married when I wanted and to whom I wanted, I would either be divorced by now or knee deep in debt from years of therapy. Thank goodness I'm not driving this train! I know that God's plan for me is to prosper me and give me a hope because that's what it says in Jeremiah. Psalm 84:11 also says that God doesn't withhold good things. I know that He isn't punishing me or teasing me or taunting me. I know that while the life I live now is not the one I anticipated, it is the one that God knew before the creation of the world. It is ultimately for my good and His glory...and I wouldn't have it any other way! We may have trouble believing in His goodness--some events in life may introduce us to intense battles with faith that push us to the breaking point-- but our struggle to believe that He's good does not change the truth. He is unalterably good. He does not wish me pain. He longs to bless me, and He knows that my happiness depends on my finding Him. He has committed both His power and His heart to making me eternally happy.

He is a good, good Father. He is a good, good Conductor.

When the fact is faced that life is profoundly disappointing, the only way to make it is to learn to love. And only those who are no longer consumed with finding satisfaction now are able to love. Only when we commit our yearnings for perfect joy to a Father we have learned to deeply trust are we free to live for others despite the reality of a perpetual ache.” Larry Crabb