The Long Way Around

I value efficiency. Because time is a precious commodity, I do everything in my power to do as many things I️ can in the shortest amount of time and for the least amount of money or stress. I think this quality makes me a good employee, but often a terrible friend. Too often I sacrifice relationship for some usually ethereal goal. Recently I’ve been reflecting on this idol of mine because when things are ineffiennt (like when you pick the wrong line at the store and OH MY GOSH my grandma can go faster than you) I become irate. Like for real don’t talk to me for a good 10 minuets lest I start flipping tables in Jesus fashion (except that He had every right to do that).  It really is a pride issue because in those moments I believe that my time is more important than anything else and how dare you not recognize that! 

I also put a lot of self worth in productivity and often measure my days in the tasks I accomplished. I’m learning how to be still before the Lord and just be without any agenda. I can still be “successful” in those days because I made time for the most important Thing...or rather person.

This season has felt like a desert; I feel lost and it seems all my efforts to get out of the desert bring me right back where I started...I'm just walking in circles and wondering where the heck God is in all of this. It reminds me of the time I drove to Colorado and I swear we passed through in Kansas for 3 days. I kept taking naps and waking up to the same sight of cornfields and cow pastures. That's how it feels now; I keep waking up waiting for something to change, but my life seems like the movie Groundhog Day. God seems inefficient to me and it’s driving me crazy!

I feel there are a few areas in my life where God is taking me the long way around: marriage, family, career and a house. When I try to make forward movement in any of these areas I am often met with a roadblock and a gentle whisper “not yet”. If I got a resounding NO from the Spirit then I️ would be able to move on and focus my efforts elsewhere. Not knowing Gods timeline in this wandering is killing me. It seems inefficient because doesn’t He know about the housing market?? I need to invest now! But then I step back and I remember that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and of course He sees me writing a rent check each month- it’s His money after all.

But I will say that this dry season has been a time for learning dependence on the only One who gives life. The Creator of time is forcing me to relinquish control of a timeline created in my own feeble mind because God's plan is so much better than anything I could ever dream of. There have been so many "why?" moments recently: from not getting funding for grad school to losing a job- why would You allow me to start down this road only to stop me and make me turn around? Why am I wasting my time. This all seems so pointless. It's in these moments I often doubt God's goodness. If God is really good, why would He allow this?

When I can rationalize the mess of a situation, I can usually wrap my mind around the bigger picture and the whys. Nothing drives me more inane then when you’re sitting traffic for an hour and then all of a sudden everything speeds up, but you look around for the cause and THERE ISNT ONE. No accident, no debris in the road, no construction, nada. And I it there and think to myself “I’m being inconvenienced for nothing. This is ridiculous. Why can’t I just apparate everywhere?”. So often I try to rationalize God's plan and God's timing to figure out the "why". But I know that for one thing I don't even deserve to know and God doesn't owe me any sort of explanation. I also realize that I might never know the reasoning behind God's plan on this side of Heaven and I'm learning to be okay with that because God has had a perfect track record so far; just as He was faithful then, He will be faithful now.  

“If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny himself.” - 2 Timothy 2:13

Ultimately, in the moments when I don't think I can go on any longer, I look to the cross. God's goodness is gloriously displayed through the death of Jesus. How good it is that He looked on me, a sinner, and because of His great love for me sent His son to pay the penalty for my sins so that I might have eternity with Him. If He's willing to go through all that for my salvation, surely He will take care of the rest. Even though life isn't what I hoped or expected, I trust that God has me exactly where I need to be for my good and for His glory.