Lesson #8: Anxiety
Those of you who know me now might describe me as flexible, chill, and up for anything. But if you knew me before the spring of 2008 then you would probably have described me as anxious, wound-up, emotional. Now let me tell you a story about how God radically changed my life...
I used to think I just had a fear of crowds. I would get really anxious and would have trouble breathing anywhere there was a crowd: the school hallway, concerts, restaurants, etc. I always had to sit in an aisle seat and usually just avoided crowded places and lines all together. I thought it was just something I had to deal with, but in college it got worse. I started having anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. The public bus and giant lecture halls were my worst nightmare and I would plan my day/ route around the least amount of people. You can probably imagine how debilitating and time consuming this was, especially when I was with friends. And then my anxiety spread to include any time I was late, in traffic, or if my daily plan was messed up in any way. I'll give you an example: let's say I was supposed to take the bus to class, but the bus was full so I would have to end up driving...panic attack. Why? Well to me that ruined my whole day, not to mention it would cost me gas money I didn't have. I was becoming a monster and no body wanted to be around me; heck I didn't even want to be around me.
The worst part was that once I had anxiety, my whole day would be ruined. There was no way back to normal except for sleeping. I started losing friends because I was unreasonable and just flat out rude. I only cared about my needs and became my own worst enemy. It was a downward spiral that seemed hopeless. Oh, and did I mention I was supposed to be an all-star Christian on campus leading bible studies, doing urban YL, etc.?
I don't remember the breaking point, but one day I decided to look into medication. I knew this wasn't a means to an end, but I was desperate. I went to the school health service and talked to a counselor there who was of little help. But he did prescribe me anti-anxiety medication, which worked wonders for me! But I was determined to work through whatever was causing my anxiety. The school recommended a Christian counselor that I might like, but after one meeting I knew he wasn't right for me. Luckily my discipler knew of a great biblical counseling center (if you live in central NC, i would highly recommend them). I started meeting with Johnny every week or so. At first it was weird telling some dude about my life history, but it was the best time for me. He asked me hard questions that I needed to be asked (and was waiting for someone to ask me). We talked about anxiety and how the roots of my feelings were spiritual, but we would need to time to figure out exactly how Satan was attacking me. It took several months and I'm pretty sure I cried more than I ever had in my life up to that point. I had so much anger and sadness that I had to work through. But the revelation didn't happen at counseling, it actually happened in my car on the way to work.
Back up a few weeks though...I'm at The Summit Church on Sunday morning listening to a sermon on baptism. J.D. was preaching from Matthew 3/4 on the baptism of Jesus. After Jesus was baptized, a voice from Heaven (God) said audibly "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased". This is only the 2nd time God had ever spoken aloud, so the significance of this is huge! But the part of the story that got me was what happened next. Immediately Satan starts mocking Jesus saying "If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread" and "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down". You see that? God had just declared his love for Jesus and then Satan goes and tries and make him doubt His identity! I realized in that moment that was exactly what was happening to me.
God had declared that I am His beloved daughter, with whom He is well pleased, but Satan was whispering taunts and lies to me. He would say "if you really are the daughter of God, why are you still single? why are you overweight? why aren't you saving more people on campus? why aren't you a better friend/daughter/sister?"
In the story Jesus rebukes Satan using scripture and the devil leaves him immediately. So back to me driving in my car to work. Well I'm on the belt-line and of course there's traffic, cue anxiety. I felt the comings of an attack, but decided enough was enough. For the first time in my life, and completely out of character for me, I yelled at Satan "FLEE FROM ME! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE AND YOU WILL NO LONGER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS! I AM GOD'S DAUGHTER WITH WHOM HE IS WELL PLEASED" And guess what? He fled! That coward!!
Y'all...I can't even describe to you the peace I immediately felt. It was so different than anything else I had ever experienced. So freeing. I had declared God'd truth and there was nothing satan and his demons could do. It was exhilarating! And I'm happy to say that I haven't had a panic attack since that day! And of course...no more medication :)
I went back to Johnny that week telling him of my revelation, just going on and on about what had happened. We talked about how satan and his demons will be invisible until you "paint them"- figure out how they are attacking you. Then once you paint them you can start attacking back or build up a fortress. While I still hear those whispers, God's truth always prevails. I am loved. I am cherished. I am His.
I would highly recommend this tactic to anyone experiencing depression or anxiety. I also highly recommend the book "True Faced", which was vital to my lessons in counseling. Have you noticed that I really love books??
I also recommend getting awesome tattoos. Just kidding (but seriously). I got this a few months before my revelation. It says "Be still" in Hebrew from Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know what I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth". The command comes from the Hiphil stem of the verb rapha meaning to let go, release, become weak. It is a simple, daily reminder to me that in my weakness He is made strong. It now also serves as a stone of remembrance (Joshua 4) for how God rescued me and set me free from the captivity of anxiety. Praise be to God for His faithfulness and mighty power!
I used to think I just had a fear of crowds. I would get really anxious and would have trouble breathing anywhere there was a crowd: the school hallway, concerts, restaurants, etc. I always had to sit in an aisle seat and usually just avoided crowded places and lines all together. I thought it was just something I had to deal with, but in college it got worse. I started having anxiety attacks on an almost daily basis. The public bus and giant lecture halls were my worst nightmare and I would plan my day/ route around the least amount of people. You can probably imagine how debilitating and time consuming this was, especially when I was with friends. And then my anxiety spread to include any time I was late, in traffic, or if my daily plan was messed up in any way. I'll give you an example: let's say I was supposed to take the bus to class, but the bus was full so I would have to end up driving...panic attack. Why? Well to me that ruined my whole day, not to mention it would cost me gas money I didn't have. I was becoming a monster and no body wanted to be around me; heck I didn't even want to be around me.
The worst part was that once I had anxiety, my whole day would be ruined. There was no way back to normal except for sleeping. I started losing friends because I was unreasonable and just flat out rude. I only cared about my needs and became my own worst enemy. It was a downward spiral that seemed hopeless. Oh, and did I mention I was supposed to be an all-star Christian on campus leading bible studies, doing urban YL, etc.?
I don't remember the breaking point, but one day I decided to look into medication. I knew this wasn't a means to an end, but I was desperate. I went to the school health service and talked to a counselor there who was of little help. But he did prescribe me anti-anxiety medication, which worked wonders for me! But I was determined to work through whatever was causing my anxiety. The school recommended a Christian counselor that I might like, but after one meeting I knew he wasn't right for me. Luckily my discipler knew of a great biblical counseling center (if you live in central NC, i would highly recommend them). I started meeting with Johnny every week or so. At first it was weird telling some dude about my life history, but it was the best time for me. He asked me hard questions that I needed to be asked (and was waiting for someone to ask me). We talked about anxiety and how the roots of my feelings were spiritual, but we would need to time to figure out exactly how Satan was attacking me. It took several months and I'm pretty sure I cried more than I ever had in my life up to that point. I had so much anger and sadness that I had to work through. But the revelation didn't happen at counseling, it actually happened in my car on the way to work.
Back up a few weeks though...I'm at The Summit Church on Sunday morning listening to a sermon on baptism. J.D. was preaching from Matthew 3/4 on the baptism of Jesus. After Jesus was baptized, a voice from Heaven (God) said audibly "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased". This is only the 2nd time God had ever spoken aloud, so the significance of this is huge! But the part of the story that got me was what happened next. Immediately Satan starts mocking Jesus saying "If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread" and "If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down". You see that? God had just declared his love for Jesus and then Satan goes and tries and make him doubt His identity! I realized in that moment that was exactly what was happening to me.
God had declared that I am His beloved daughter, with whom He is well pleased, but Satan was whispering taunts and lies to me. He would say "if you really are the daughter of God, why are you still single? why are you overweight? why aren't you saving more people on campus? why aren't you a better friend/daughter/sister?"
In the story Jesus rebukes Satan using scripture and the devil leaves him immediately. So back to me driving in my car to work. Well I'm on the belt-line and of course there's traffic, cue anxiety. I felt the comings of an attack, but decided enough was enough. For the first time in my life, and completely out of character for me, I yelled at Satan "FLEE FROM ME! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE AND YOU WILL NO LONGER MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS! I AM GOD'S DAUGHTER WITH WHOM HE IS WELL PLEASED" And guess what? He fled! That coward!!
Y'all...I can't even describe to you the peace I immediately felt. It was so different than anything else I had ever experienced. So freeing. I had declared God'd truth and there was nothing satan and his demons could do. It was exhilarating! And I'm happy to say that I haven't had a panic attack since that day! And of course...no more medication :)
I went back to Johnny that week telling him of my revelation, just going on and on about what had happened. We talked about how satan and his demons will be invisible until you "paint them"- figure out how they are attacking you. Then once you paint them you can start attacking back or build up a fortress. While I still hear those whispers, God's truth always prevails. I am loved. I am cherished. I am His.
I would highly recommend this tactic to anyone experiencing depression or anxiety. I also highly recommend the book "True Faced", which was vital to my lessons in counseling. Have you noticed that I really love books??
I also recommend getting awesome tattoos. Just kidding (but seriously). I got this a few months before my revelation. It says "Be still" in Hebrew from Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know what I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth". The command comes from the Hiphil stem of the verb rapha meaning to let go, release, become weak. It is a simple, daily reminder to me that in my weakness He is made strong. It now also serves as a stone of remembrance (Joshua 4) for how God rescued me and set me free from the captivity of anxiety. Praise be to God for His faithfulness and mighty power!
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